Nicole Gevirtz Reporting from Palestine. August 4rd, 2014

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I almost had to be hospitalized. I had a nervous breakdown in Nazareth in the morning. That much exhaustion, that much depression, that much hunger, that much disgust with my environment. I made it to the summer camp for the kids and then lost my mind. I kept sobbing, I kept blacking out, I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t breathe. Too much, it’s just too fucking much. Hours of pain and crying. I couldn’t breathe, I’m begging for help.

A girl with big blonde hair is holding me in her arms and praying to Jesus for me and gives me a few moments of healing, she's reciting Pslams 23.

I am trying to explain my pain, but I keep blacking out and I can’t breathe. “Gaza… exhaustion… PTSD… My friend might be dead. She’s not supposed to be in Gaza. She was born in Yarmouk… I’m so tired… Egypt, I was there... Please, I need something to eat… I have to go home now… The Syrians are dead… I am not sleeping… I’m so sick…”

I’m talking to several different people on different phones so I can coordinate my way back to Bethlehem. I don’t remember what I’m saying. I’m sobbing and everything hurts and I can’t breathe. I managed to get all my luggage from the cold hearted empty mansion with no food and am driven to a bus station and I take that back to Jerusalem and a taxi driver comes to take me home to Beit Lahem.

Sobbing and suffocating on the phone with I don’t even know who. I don’t know how many people at the Holy Land Trust were working overtime to help me get back home and avoid the hospital that I can’t afford. I am trying to explain my pain over the phone. I can’t. “The sickness is in my head. My brain is telling me that I am dying.”

I have PTSD. I have denial about how bad my PTSD is. When I am starving I think I am back in Egypt, locked up in a filthy apartment without any food for hours and hours by the RevSoc-iopath who I thought I was going to marry and build a life with. I panic. I panic. I panic.

The Afula bus station. All the Hebrew, all the Israelis, all the IDF, all the weapons… they are giving me dirty looks. They think I’m Arab. I am (temporarily) tan with too much eyeliner. I am wearing the counselor shirt from the summer camp that has Arabic all over it. I am wearing the cross pendant that was made for me in Al Quds. They think I am Arab and are giving me nasty looks with all their mean faces. Hebrew sounds cold and heartless.

The taxi driver who takes me home to Beit Lahem is Jozeph, the Israeli Arab who drove me to Beit Sahour from the airport when I first got here. I am trying to explain my pain. I can’t. He hugs me; “Da whole Middle East, iz a big broblem. It very hard what you do.”

Mommy Haifa and Daddy Adeeb. I cry like a little kid when I see them and know I am home and safe and comfortable again and they feed me and hug me and I am okay, I am okay. I am trying to explain my pain. I can’t. “Why you still crying? You home now. Come eat.” “You didn’t bring me a gift from Nazareth?”

I can’t leave 2 homes and be okay. I can’t be in a cold, heartless mansion with robots and be okay, especially when they don’t eat. I couldn’t manage one day without my second family in Beit Sahour.

I use my brother Elias’ phone and I hear my mother’s voice for the first time in 2 months. I realize then I have lost my mind and should’ve gone home last week, but I would’ve missed out on the Golan if that happened. My family gets me a new flight home and it leaves tomorrow night.

I can’t hack it anymore. Time for home. I serious’d.

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Keywords

Activism activismo AEL Al-Zabadani Ali Aarrass Amnesty International ANA Press Anti-Imperialism anti-imperialisme Anti-War antiwar Assad Bart De Wever Bashar Bashar Al-Assad Belgium België Berbers besieged Brussels burkini capitalism Caucasus Chechen Republic of Ichkeria Chechnya China Christians civil rights movement Colonialism conciencia crimes Daesh decolonization democracy derechos humanos De Standaard dignidad Dignity direct democracy Dirty Wars discrimination documentary dogma drones DyabAbouJahjah Dyab Abou Jahjah educación emancipatie Emancipation emirate Enlightenment Europa Europe famine fascisme Feminism Freedom FridayDemos Gaza Genocide geweld Hamas Hezbollah Hong Kong Human Rights identiteit Imperialism Imperialisme Irak Iran Iraq IS ISIS Islam islamophobia Israel Jeremy Schahill Kadyrov klassestrijd kolonialisme letters liberation libertad Madaya Maher media Moe Diab Morocco Movement X Muadamiyat Al-Sham Muslim Muslims National Security Nazarenes North Caucasus Nunca te rindas Obama occupation Occupy Occupy Central Oppression OWS Palestina Palestine patriarchaat Patriarchy propaganda Putin racism racisme Rami Jarrah Reason resistance Revolution Ruslan Russia seksisme self determination sexism Shabbiha Sociale Bewegingen Social Movements solidarity Syria Syrian Revolution SyrianRevolution Syria Revolution Syrische Revolutie Syrië terrorism terrorisme torture Ukraine Ukriane UN Uprising US USA verzet Vrije Meningsuiting VS war crimes weerstand White Helmets Yezidis Zionisme